While I would love to give a detailed description of my recent, nearly year-long travels, no matter how strong my intention is, I cannot sit down and write them. My thought process is something similar to “I should really sit and start to write these experiences down and share them with the world” — however, it never feels quite right to share my experiences in that way.
There were epic, hilarious, scary, sexy, and completely ridiculous experiences on this journey. Not to mention countless lessons and incredible people I have had the pleasure of learning from this past year– I cannot express my gratitude to be as amplified as it truly is for these blessings. To be perfectly honest (with myself and you!), the idea was to share them as I went along, trying my hand at “travel blogging”, but this was a short-lived idea as each day I awoke to something new I needed to be present for. There was purpose and meaning for each day and I did not want to miss a thing.
The simple notion that this collection of unique stories belongs to me and only me is sweet enough. Even during the times in South Africa, when I would spend my days simply caring for myself in a much more relaxed way than when I was hustling hard in California, this was enough. Nothing miraculous needed to happen, but there was newness, unfamiliarity, and I felt that needed to be invited fully into the realm of my own authentic being by being very present and allowing for things to flow.
There are days like the one hiking through the riverbed of Bainskloof, South Africa, then sipping crisp Chenin Blanc and eating hummus on the rock bed, or the time in Laos I hiked up a mountainside in cheap sandals to get to the top and rock climb the limestone formations– these anecdotes could and maybe they should be described in detail in their own stories, but for now, my awareness is drawn to the present moment. This is where I need to reflect, my intuition tells me.
This year was a series of unplanned adventures and what I can only describe as magical workings of the universe but I still needed to allow things to unfold and be content with whatever shows up on my path. There is a letting go and a bond to one’s own sense of trust (how much trust you can hold and harness is extremely valuable) that gets me through any uncertainties I may have had or do have now. Trusting ones’ self is imperative, getting there is the struggle. I started to really understand this during the last leg of my journey, while in the 50-shades-of-green just outside of Chiang Mai, Thailand. I had space, freedom, nature and compassion surrounding me there and I often felt like I was tapping into a presence that was so much bigger and far more divine than I. Trying to understand what the feeling of letting go and being content meant for me in the present moment is something I think we are all continuously at study for. Seemingly small little break-throughs started to happen during that 3-month stint, teaching yoga and helping to manage what is one of my favorite places possibly ever, Suan Sati an eco-friendly retreat center. I can still now, even being back in California, mentally place myself up in the yoga shala meditating or moving through asanas, with the jungle surrounding me and I can feel that divine presence and sweetness holding space for me, as I try to process and understand more fully what it is I am here to learn.
Yes, these reflections are past tense but I love this about life, we never understand things fully as they are happening or perhaps do not have insight enough to fully appreciate them but then all of a sudden something will click and an association in our minds (or the soul) will form and rise to the surface, connecting a few pieces of the puzzle. That’s these ah-ha, epiphany-type moments that all-too-seldom strike us. The coming together of lessons learned and letting go has formed a few magical epiphanies in my life, so I give this airy-fairy type of idea some credibility and validity.
The inspiration for writing all this down came from a dream. One of the more beautiful and insightful dreams I have had the pleasure of having. In this dream experience, I was told by someone or something that I was in Bali and that everything I needed was here and that if I needed help I could ask. The person(s) or energies communicating this were not seen but rather felt. I was walking around outside and saw the most beautiful trees, with thick branches winding down towards the earth, creating monuments of themselves. The light of the bright sun was pouring in from several angles all around the trees and brush in a spectacular way that the sun reveals itself at just the right moment of the day. I smiled and felt my heart so happy in that light and in the safe arms of mother nature. Then, I kept walking through this forest (which by the way, looks nothing like actual Bali!) and saw a small arched, wooden bridge and immediately felt like I should cross over it but once I was about halfway through I turned around and felt like I needed to question my decision a bit more, I wasn’t certain of my choice and ran back in the other direction. That’s where this dream experience ended for me; I awoke feeling utterly compelled to dwell in this insight I had been given and write it all down.
This dream was so full of light, color and that feeling of ‘Something Bigger’ was with me there again. I often ask myself why and how can this force reach us all evenly, without tiring from our nonsense? How much love, space, and compassion can the collective unconscious be holding for us? Those are deeper thoughts for another day but it is safe to say I believe in the power and weight of it all. Regardless, it is a most curious feeling to feel so alive during a dream, there with my true self but in a dream state, how do we conceptualize the experience of it? These are thoughts I have allowed myself to explore deeper in the lingering effects of this dream.
Every morning I “take myself on a walk”. It is something I have been doing most mornings for quite some time now, maybe even close to ten years. This, above many other forms of therapy I have partaken in, has been one of my favorite ways of healing myself. The natural world is full of so much healing, we can only hope to understand a fraction of what mother nature is capable of providing us. So, the morning following the dream was no different; the first thing I go out for my walk but now I’m pondering this intense dream and letting my imagination aid in the recovery of the details of it all. Another side note: I am always listening to music, full-blast, through my headphones and I’ll even admit…it’s an addiction. Through trying to remember the intricacies of the dream, breathing in the fresh morning air and analyzing my new thoughts I decided I should turn off my music and try to connect to the sounds of nature around me. Albeit my walking surroundings are beautiful, they are also fairly suburban. This being said, when I decided to get really quiet and listen to the natural world, all I could hear was the busy street, neighbors cutting grass, people talking in the distance and then faintly, birds. The birds weren’t the first thing I heard and this shed light on really how I’m feeling being back in a suburban environment. In my heart and apparently in my dream state, I crave the natural world. That is one of the best things to come of me traveling, the realization that I can be simple, submersed in nature and thrive- if I should choose that and it would seem that is the bit of natural magic I am so wishing to keep surrounding myself with.
So whats next? I am both self-encouraging and allowing others to encourage me to re-integrate back into life in California, I feel a hesitation tugging at me. It’s something I can most simply refer to as my inner rebellion. That which wants to experience more newness, in the process of abolishing rigidity in my life and opening myself to whatever unique, fresh story wants to play out in my journey. This inner rebellion has been questioned and put on trial, in my mind at least and I still wish to follow it, concluding that resistance would be futile. Going along with the grain and following all the rules has it’s place and time in ones’ life and for me, at least at this time I have to shift my focus to being more authentic with myself at this time, even if others disagree with my life choices (the ones that affect only myself, to be clear). In finding my own true happiness I have realized one important indicator that gives good-enough feedback as to the current state of my overall wellbeing: How passionate am I? If I am waking up with a passion for life, gratitude and the desire to explore, I know I am happy- I can feel it in my core. So, I continue to pursue adventure and The Great Unknown. After all, we are a collection of stories and I believe we have an exponential reserve of power in being the author of our own story. One thought I would like to believe is true is that the feeling of ‘Something/Someone Bigger’ wants us to take ahold of this divine right to create and explore this being human. My intuition tells me following all the rules, all the time and living what is referred to as “The American Dream” is not always the best route for us to explore this being human. Maybe I’ll forever be presenting myself with one question: Am I Living It Right?
