How I am applying the lessons of mindfulness I’ve learned
There was such a taste of familiarity when I came home from my life abroad to California to enter a self-imposed lockdown. Quarantine. Pandemic. Nowhere to ‘hide-out’ from it all (although I was brainstorming hard on how I could). It took me a while to put my finger on where this familiarity came from and when it hit, it hit hard. I was on one of my daily walks, appreciating my moments outside as always and realizing this was such a precious moment of the day now that we are in quarantine- it was then I realized that I had done this before, in rehab.
The rest of my walk was spent mostly in my head, reminiscing of that very strange time in my past. If I am honest, I hate remembering that time. It brings back a shame that strikes me so sharply and the pain of going through something so dark and taboo. For so long, I wished that I could remove this period of my life entirely. I feel that I am so far past these times now, but really, the memories will always be there, and so will the pain of it all. The gifts from these painful memories keep on giving though, through insights and lessons that I have been so blessed to receive.
It is part of my story and the more I live, the more I see its validity and value.
It was ten years ago now and I was an eighteen-year-old young woman when I entered rehab, celebrating my nineteenth birthday there. The hardest part of re-telling this story is really the reason why I was there- I had developed a debilitating eating disorder, anorexia. It is even hard for me now to understand it, but at the time this disorder had consumed me and every aspect of my life. I was in denial and I did not see that I was no longer myself or that I could not care for myself on my own- it was a devastating realization that I could not accept. I so badly wanted my independence and free-will.
As I worked through this all in rehab I gained more clarity and I gained it rather fast. Why does clarity happen so fast in rehab? Because that is all you have to search for at that point. There are no distractions and there is nowhere you can run (well, you could, but it never ends well). Sixty-one days I spent in residential treatment and my life was never the same. I have come to see this time as one of the greatest blessings of my life and I cannot imagine where I would be without this precious gift.
The importance of this time that strikes me today is how it reminds me of where we all are now, in quarantine and in a state of utter uncertainty. There are several common denominators here: staying inside every day, not having anywhere you can go, not having a job or income, friends you can see or really even plans you can make after because you have no idea when you are going to be ‘let out’ and (I cannot stress this one enough) the sheer amount of time we now have to simply be with ourselves- to journal, to read or to contemplate. I see this time we have as the big gift in it all.
I arrived at rehab with no sense of self, no real direction, motivation, stability or self-love. The time I spent there allowed me to find at least a bit of those. Like quarantine, this time was completely uncertain and confusing, but I survived and came out a hell of a lot stronger and of that, I am so certain. I remember clearly my first day, it was absolutely terrifying and the not-knowing how long I would be there kept me up at night. I tried to figure it all out but there was nothing I could figure out, I was in a way, stuck there until further notice. I get this mirrored feeling in the pit of my gut occasionally here in quarantine.
As I have now taken on a nomadic way of life, for me to not have my freedom to pack up and leave at any time feels so foreign and confining. It is the memories of how I got through my stint in rehab that tell me how capable we all are of getting through this time- not only can we get through this but we can learn along the way and enhance our overall being.
Yes, there were copious amounts of therapy and guidance going on during treatment and I realize that is probably not present for most of us in quarantine now but we still have access to one limitless and powerful tool: mindfulness. Mindfulness is simply a state of being conscious or aware of something. Cultivating this powerful tool has helped me cut through the thick fog of any uncertainty and instability I may feel.
What mindful tools did I discover in rehab?
- Breathing was first and foremost. We would start our day (before the first group therapy) with a brief, lead breathing practice. It was so simple, we would count the inhalations and the exhalations, gradually increasing the length, together as a group for a few minutes. After that, the ‘work’ of our day started and this breathwork was so helpful in creating a sense of ease before we dove headfirst into some very heavy stuff.
- Mindful eating. Obviously, in an eating disorder treatment center, you can imagine the intensity of mealtimes. To this day, I have never experienced anything like it. One helpful tool that was used to help facilitate calm, mindful eating was to check in with ourselves before we ate. How are you feeling? Tired, angry, hungry, apathetic? Simple, but this pause creates an effect on the mind. It slows down and we can process the feelings we are currently experiencing.
- Yoga and Qi Gong. Well, this changed the entire course of my life. To yolk or find a union between body, mind, breath, and spirit was a concept I never had before. I didn’t know what that could feel like or look like but I cannot imagine my life without this practice to say the very least. To incorporate mindful movement into your daily structure, quarantine or not, is a game-changer. With practice, we are learning to shift the mind from its many fluctuations to stillness, union, and harmony.
- Journaling. I suppose I’ve always loved journaling for its informal nature. Being able to write thoughts down and see them come to life is extremely therapeutic. It was definitely encouraged during rehab to journal every day and reflect on the processes happening. But aren’t we always in a process as long as we are alive? I think we should take moments to pause, reflect, or simply jot down whatever thoughts are in our heads. Now, I am a big fan of stream-of-consciousness journaling and of looking up new prompts for myself to reflect on. But really, the greatest part of journaling is that it is done in your own unique way and it never needs to make sense.
- Walks outside. I believe as much as we need the union of mind, body, breath, and spirit we also need the union of ourselves with nature. Now, walking outside with your rehab group in Pasadena, California would not be my preferred nature situation but it still did wonders for my mindset. It was like a reset every time we were able to go on a walk. I feel I really needed to be outside during this time- I would ask for time to be outside alone, looking up at the sky and during these moments I had some of my more profound realizations. During quarantine, I have not missed a day of walking outside- while still practicing social distancing of course.
- Co-living, mindfully. Many of us are in our lock-downs with others. And when this type of co-living happens there is a lot that can come up for us. We are not perfect. Frustrations build. It is important to learn how to effectively communicate our needs and feelings without it turning into an argument. One way I learned to work through this in rehab (as emotions are often heightened there) is to write my feelings down first. Or write a letter to that person. I love that in this action, I am allowing my feelings to be validated by myself while working through them and gaining perspective. Taking time before reacting to a situation has always proved to be of benefit to me.
What a strange time to see everyone in this together, with no one being exempt- that makes this time so extraordinary to me. I can remember feeling so changed when I left treatment and entered the real world again- I wondered what it would be like, reintegrating with these newfound tools.
While I cannot say, and none of us really can, what this world will look like post-pandemic, I can say that it is absolutely possible to come out stronger individually. Not every day needs to be perfect and mindful, in fact, I think rigidity is harmful in many ways, but if we can in some small way plant a new seed for ourselves, one that is mindful and healthy, we will be able to watch that seed grow as we transition out of this phase and on to whatever lies ahead.
With Love & Gratitude,
Kayla